Why!

You know what really bugs me?! When you trust the wrong people. When you are talking to someone for a long time, and you have this fake sense of security.. Like they are fully invested in you, and only you, but oh funny! Little do you know. The thing is, this person, these circumstances shouldn't surprise me, and above all they shouldn't have any power over me. They shouldn't upset me- because I know they are coming. Almost every circumstances that involves a boy in my life-- is always too good to be true. The thing is, I'll admit- I have a jealousy problem. I'm not sure where it stems from. I don't know if it is my incredible fear of abandonment that makes me a very jealous person, or if it is the simple fact that I am a woman, and I over think everything- but nonetheless I am. It is completely pointless to be jealous.. Because what good will it do? Honestly none. The only thing it does for me is make my mind go crazy, makes me overreact, and do things that I regret. Saying things I don't mean, and ultimately digging myself a hole.
Gosh. I just don't know what to think. I feel a bit better now, after releasing some of my bitterness. I just hate that I am so naive when it comes to boys. I know I give my heart to all the wrong people, but I can't seem to help it. This book I am reading talks about the incredible appeal of men that have a "bad boy/dark complex" and it is the truth. I am ways attracted to the troubled souls first. I seem to find the sense of adventure and uncertainty of them to allure me.. Which also pisses me off, because I always get my heart broke. But what do you do? Grin and bear it.
My goal is simply to wait it out.. College will be better, and I'm not gonna confine myself by being low and depressed around everyone, I will get out there, and experience life and if the right guy waltz in and sweeps off my feet- be my guest, you know? But as for right now, I'm just gonna be me. Reppin' the no makeup and 99 cent tee's! :) ha, that'll have to do.
-Ellora xx

Negative Thinking

I feel like.. People get the wrong vibe from me. I repel people. I just had a class "party" and I realized that I have zero friends. I stood in the room of 65 students, completely by myself. I'm not writing this for a pity party or someone to say "oh Elle, silly, I'm your friend." I just hate feeling like I never do anything right. I'm never enough for anyone. The thing is.. I get wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot, I don't pay people the attention they may deserve or want. I feel like I always have so much going on that my mind can't wrap around being social on top of it all. I'm just sick of being unhappy. Tired of feeling so low. I try too hard for no results, and it pisses me off. I'm just don't trying, and I am done caring.
My apologizes- lots of emotions today.
Ellora xx