Those Days.

I am young. I am a teen. I don't know what I want or where in the hells bells I'm going. But I don't like feeling this way. I don't even know how to put it in words exactly. I am just hating everything and everyone in my life right now. Can't stand my family, can't tolerate my friends, I hate school. I just don't get it. I'm sick of feeling so horrible all the time- but the truly sad thing is that I do it to myself. I don't know if I think I deserve to feel this way, or if it just always follows a bad attitude but I hate it more than anything and I don't know how to fix it, or fill it, or make it any better. It physically makes me feel sick and bitter. It's an awful feeling. And I hate that I torment myself and my family with it when there is so much destruction and horrible things going on outside my tiny little world. I am extremely blessed-- spoiled even. Yet I find hundreds of things that I hate about others, hate about my circumstance, and hate about myself. It honestly quite jacked up. I keep trying to think about those people in 3rd world countries that are honestly just trying to survive everyday- they don't have time to worry or be depressed about their circumstances because they are too involved trying to stay alive. I see that as a blessing. I know that is ignorant of me to say- because I've never lived the way they do. But I wish I had the opportunity to do so- so maybe I could appreciate my blessings and the luxuries of my life in a greater capacity. I just don't know what to do or think. I just want to shut out the world and everyone in it. I just want to be done. 100% done.

Why? Just- I mean, why?

I honestly don't understand people.. I know that I am not alone in that either- but sometimes I wish I could read everyone's mind. I know truthfully that would most likely make me very unhappy- butttt.. I just want to know what people are thinking, you know? I have felt really upset lately.. Not quite sad or depressed, but just upset. I feel like I am missing out on a big part of my high school experience because I've never really had a relationship.. Which is honestly my own fault! Haha-- darn it! I realize this is also false.. High school is not about finding your spouse, but your bridesmaids instead! However.. I want it. I want a relationship so badly. I don't know why it's so important to me, and maybe it shouldn't be! But it is.. I just see little hints of love all around me, and it honestly makes me ache. The thing I LOVE about love is that it comes in so many different forms.. I was just watching this show on tv, and it was extremely depressing, but there was a little romance in it, and the boy and girl were super awkward teens that both had very difficult lives- but they had each other- and their love was so simple, young, and genuine! It just made my heart ache.. I'm honestly terrified to love anyone. Of course I love my family- that's not even a question.. In fact I love my family so dearly I think that's what started my fear for loving anyone else- because it terrifies me to think that I'll never find anyone that I will love as much as I love my family.. But I just want to experience it so desperately it's sad. I am also really scared of being taken advantage of- I don't want a relationship to be physically driven.. The thing that a lot of boys don't understand is that the emotional details of a relationship is what makes the physical parts so great for both members of the relationship.. I'm afraid to have a high school relationship because I fear that all my boyfriend would ever want from me would be physical things, and that messes with my head.. The thing that is most frustrating to me is this: in our day and age- everyone is a slut. Ha, I apologize if you are reading this, and you are not a slut, ha, but really- I miss the days when guys were gentleman to all women, not just the ones they liked- I miss the times when girls didn't have to be in anything less than a t shirt and jeans to get attention.. I hate that lots of relationships today move too quickly and are too involved too fast.. For me- I have to get to know the person I'm with before anything else becomes real. Thinking of only loving someone for their physical appearance makes me sick.. The sweetness and true, deep, love comes from knowing the other person so well that you feel like you are one.. But not only do you know them- but accept them as a whole, and love their flaws, love their problems- although it may take a lot of time. The truth of the matter is this- everyone is crazy- you just have to find the crazy you are willing to love and fight for.. I hope that happens to me! I do! I want to experience a first love.. One that is sweet, and genuine, and true! But it can't be forced.. And I realize that.. So I guess I'll just keep my heart locked up safe and continue waiting.. I just hope... I don't turn out to be a spinster. Haha, anyway.. Thank you blog! For listening like no one else.. Xoxo