Mm. Nah.

I love how in all the tv series that I love- they are filmed in a tiny town, and all the characters within the show just can't get enough of it....
Well- in my fantasy, there is no small town. There is no gossip that everyone is aware of.. There is new things at every turn, and new faces to meet- there is laughter and love and less contention. There is large, open, spaces- complimented by buildings that only run on green energy! Ha! (I'm a ultra tree hugger...)
I just want something more. Is that too much to ask?

Well..

Well... Christmas was splendid.. I really enjoyed it. Other than I no longer get the Christmas spirit or feeling at all and my parents had a wonderful fight that I witnessed.. It was good to be around those that I love.
I keep trying so hard to be thankful for the things I have in my life.. But gosh, I just keep returning to such bitterness. I keep feeling like there has to be more to life then what it is right now. There has to be more beauty, or more raw joy- somewhere out there. I just don't know where to look. I hate that I hate life so much sometimes:. I try not to.. But I have a very difficult time getting over my own selfish thoughts I guess..
I guess I just hate that I feel so worthless and not wanted or appealing or good enough ever, and that drains the absolute life out of me.
I just don't know what to do. I need some good new goals.. Goals that will help me love myself for who I am.
But gosh.. That's so hard for me. I realize that's hard for everyone no matter who you are- and I get that is the truth of the matter. I know I'm not alone feeling this way.. But gosh I just need, I CRAVE something-- Anything more than this. Maybe something that will make me feel somewhat whole.. In a sense.
But ugh. I guess I'll wait and see.
Xxx.

Roller Coaster!

Gosh!! Talk about living the life of a teenager. It's up- down, back and forth, sometimes the pressures so great all I can do is close my eyes and wait for it to pass! And other times its constant motion makes me sick! However, I'm the only one who can choose to scream and fear every second of it- or enjoy the ride.
I feel as if there is a hole within me- emotionally. I don't know what created it, or if every girl has this same feeling. But I just don't feel quite- whole I guess. What makes its more complicated is that I constantly try to fill this gap within me with boys. Which is no easy task! There is so much drama and confusion when it comes to men! And they say WE are the ones that are confusing- gosh! I don't know if that's accurate. I always love the wrong people- and put up with those who treat me the wrong way. I'm not sure why I do- but I just always seem to find myself mixed up with the wrong boy- the cherry on top of that emotional disaster sundae, is that every time I like a guy who likes me! For me! It never works out- it always ends up blowing up in my face. My heart gets so involved that is just destroys me, and so I turn back to the boys that originally liked me only for my body, or whatever shallow reason.. It makes me sick that the majority of the time I am doing this to myself.. My relationships don't work because of my own immaturity and ignorance, but no matter how hard I try I feel as if I never escape them. I want a successful relationship so badly it hurts. I know it won't solve my problems, and most likely it will make me more stressed than I already am- but I'm so willing to give it a chance that it makes me nauseous with anticipation. I just hope that if it works out for me, it will be with the right guy. Someone who respects me for who I am.. My fingers may forever be crossed. xxx.

Done

Gosh. I'm so fed up with everyone's shit. I'm sick of feeling like I have to be someone I'm not to get the love I need. I hate that our generation is so lazy and careless. It drives me crazy that no one is near as considerate as they used to be. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I am just done with everyone and everything right now. Gosh. Forget it.

Familia

I have been slacking a bit! Sorry- today I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for the religion I belong to, and the hymns we sang today that lifted my spirits! I'm thankful for small kindnesses that make your whole day! Ill thankful for smiles and laughter :) but I am mostly thankful for family! They mean so much to me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.. And I can't thank them enough. They are always here for me when I need them, support me in all that I do.. And love me through my greatest trials. They joy that we share between us compares to no else! And I a very grateful for that :) xx

Great Purpose

Hmm.. I feel like. All we do in life is seek after love. Which sounds incredibly dramatic-- but it's true! It's not just the people who are incredibly good looking either, nor are they the only ones who have luck with love. But everyone is constantly searching for it.. And when a relationship ends, another is already in play, building up again to love. I feel like its our great purpose as human beings to give love and receive love. Which is great! I am so thankful for the people in my life that love me, and who allow me to love them. They are great examples to me.. They show how true love should be expressed.. You always know when someone really loves you.. It just is a feeling that you get when you are around them. I am grateful for love! And hope that everyone finds it.. Wherever they are. Xxx.

Honesty

Honestly is always the best policy, even when it's not a trend! I am grateful for those who are honest with me. I may not always appreciate what the truth is, or agree with it! But I appreciate honesty in itself.. It's a wonderful value to always uphold. And I am grateful for it.