Gosh!! Talk about living the life of a teenager. It's up- down, back and forth, sometimes the pressures so great all I can do is close my eyes and wait for it to pass! And other times its constant motion makes me sick! However, I'm the only one who can choose to scream and fear every second of it- or enjoy the ride.
I feel as if there is a hole within me- emotionally. I don't know what created it, or if every girl has this same feeling. But I just don't feel quite- whole I guess. What makes its more complicated is that I constantly try to fill this gap within me with boys. Which is no easy task! There is so much drama and confusion when it comes to men! And they say WE are the ones that are confusing- gosh! I don't know if that's accurate. I always love the wrong people- and put up with those who treat me the wrong way. I'm not sure why I do- but I just always seem to find myself mixed up with the wrong boy- the cherry on top of that emotional disaster sundae, is that every time I like a guy who likes me! For me! It never works out- it always ends up blowing up in my face. My heart gets so involved that is just destroys me, and so I turn back to the boys that originally liked me only for my body, or whatever shallow reason.. It makes me sick that the majority of the time I am doing this to myself.. My relationships don't work because of my own immaturity and ignorance, but no matter how hard I try I feel as if I never escape them. I want a successful relationship so badly it hurts. I know it won't solve my problems, and most likely it will make me more stressed than I already am- but I'm so willing to give it a chance that it makes me nauseous with anticipation. I just hope that if it works out for me, it will be with the right guy. Someone who respects me for who I am.. My fingers may forever be crossed. xxx.
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