I apologize viewers if you we're actively following my blog, that I have been slacking hard core! My apologies! Blogspot was banned from school, and I have been busy.. But I am back! :) however I need to warn you that this is when shiz get real.. I can be as happy, and motivational as I'd like.. But it's mostly a big ole' lie. So if you can't handle the unhappiness and messed up aspects of life- I'd ask you to tune out now.
My name is Ellora Pollyanna Wardrop, I'm 16, and I live in a dreadfully small town. I have so many incredible blessings in my life- but I have also had countless trials. As dramatic and petty as it sounds I feel constantly depressed. I hate being around people, I dread going to bed because I know I'll wake up to a new day. I feel sickly all the time. Never good enough.. "Always room for improvement," yadda yadda. It is torture to feel like you cant tell anyone the way you truly feel because they just don't get it. They think your fishing for compliments or justification- in all reality all you want is the smallest glimpse of hope for better days, for future happiness. Conversation becomes a blur, you agree with things only to pass to the next meaningless encounter. Your heart aches- but for what? You never know. You never know what you want or what would make you happy.. But you are constantly doing drastic, dumb things to try and feel something, or getting someone to notice that you are really hurting inside. Tears are no longer a rarity.. They constantly flood and run over your eyes. You feel like your choking down bile all the time- because if you didn't something awfully honest would come forth- and that would scare people off. But what is most infuriating is that you don't know how to get rid of the venom in your body. Can't bleed it out, throw it up, sleep it away.. I have been searching- but I have been unsuccessful in finding a cure for it. I am so... Incredibly tired of feeling so terrible. I don't know what to do. It kills me a little bit everyday- but it also kills everyone around me. I am losing relationships with friends and family more and more everyday. But I don't know how to get out! It's like I am drowning! I claw for the surface- but water bombardes my lungs, my body- and there is no escape. I wrote this poem that seem to describe it in a way.. ---- when hope in dwindling at the fringes.. You feel lost and so dreadfully alone. Mental sickness beats your body. Your eyelids are like lead.. Drooping beyond your bottom lashes. Your heart beats.. But without a purpose. Life feels like you're hunting the escape of a maze in the dark without the aid of the light from the moon or stars. Weight presses hard against your chest. Breathing is difficult. Each breath- thought out. Tears are shed so often that every single one of your pillows are mascara stained. Heartache burns within you.
But how do you win?
Where do you go?
On starless nights..?
Any who.. I know God is where I need to turn to.. But I feel like He doesn't want me either. I am just so lost. I know I am a tiny speck on the scale of problems that everyone has.. And I am sorry to complain so much.. But I have to get this venom out of me some how. So this is my escape.. If only excruciatingly fleeting and temporary.. It's something.
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