Familia

I have been slacking a bit! Sorry- today I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for the religion I belong to, and the hymns we sang today that lifted my spirits! I'm thankful for small kindnesses that make your whole day! Ill thankful for smiles and laughter :) but I am mostly thankful for family! They mean so much to me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.. And I can't thank them enough. They are always here for me when I need them, support me in all that I do.. And love me through my greatest trials. They joy that we share between us compares to no else! And I a very grateful for that :) xx

Great Purpose

Hmm.. I feel like. All we do in life is seek after love. Which sounds incredibly dramatic-- but it's true! It's not just the people who are incredibly good looking either, nor are they the only ones who have luck with love. But everyone is constantly searching for it.. And when a relationship ends, another is already in play, building up again to love. I feel like its our great purpose as human beings to give love and receive love. Which is great! I am so thankful for the people in my life that love me, and who allow me to love them. They are great examples to me.. They show how true love should be expressed.. You always know when someone really loves you.. It just is a feeling that you get when you are around them. I am grateful for love! And hope that everyone finds it.. Wherever they are. Xxx.

Honesty

Honestly is always the best policy, even when it's not a trend! I am grateful for those who are honest with me. I may not always appreciate what the truth is, or agree with it! But I appreciate honesty in itself.. It's a wonderful value to always uphold. And I am grateful for it.

Friends

Thankful for those who always stick by my side.. Through thick and thin! They love me for who I am! And they accept me when I look like a hobo, and act like a witch. I could not ask for more. I am extremely blessed to have them in my life. Thank you compadres that are always there for me.. I love and appreciate you more than you know! Thanks for always listening to my useless rants, and countless swear words.. For putting up with my "way to tired that I am hyper" moods.. And making me laugh no matter the circumstances. I love you dearly. xx

Youthful Spirits

One thing I am thankful for that I will began with.. is kids.. They bring such a light. There is this little girl I nanny a few times a week.. She is 9, and very cute, smart, and funny! I love being around her- if only for a few hours because she is just so kind! She really does have such a kindred spirit, and I admire it just about as much as I appreciate it.. I love how easy going she is, and how she always reassures me! Plus she loooves to talk! So we get along wonderfully :) I am just thankful for the various personalities and spirits in the world out there.. They bring much needed variety to our lives! I really am grateful for that! <3

Oh..... Deer!

Well.. Today kind of sucked. I mean- I'll be honest with you, because I strive to always be honest. Monday, December 3rd, I hit a buck. A HUGE ASS BUCK. I was driving home with my friend, and didn't see it at all! Literally, I never believed when people would say "it came out of no where!" I always thought.. Yeeeeahhhh- right, and the sky is orange! But in all honesty- this stupid creature came out of no where! One minute, Robin and I are talking, the next- BAM! SLAM! THANK YOU MA'AM! Crushed hood, destroyed grill- DONZO. What makes matters worse.. Is that I have already crashed my sisters car, and got a $90 speeding ticket.. Racking ^^^ my parents insurance up the wazoo! So telling my dad about it broke my heart.. Then, my step-brother whom I share the car with accused me of texting and driving- which in all reality I normally do! But since I had a passenger who wasn't a family member I had my phone tucked away! However, Robin told Josh that I had been texting. Which really made me feel terrible and embarrassed.. I know she didn't mean any harm by telling him.. But I really hadn't been texting- so it just made me furious and defensive. Which made me incredibly emotional-- especially with my current state of instability! Ugh, anyway.. I was already on the verge of tears when I was walking down the hall.. and I said hi to Todd, like I usually do, and he replies "hey, beautiful," and I don't know why! But by heck- I had to literally bite my tongue to hold back tears. It was just something tiny that lifted my spirits in to a more heightened emotional state! Gosh! I am a wreck.. any who, I went to drama.. multiple people asked if I was ok, but I just kinda shook my head without a reply.. Thankfully singing pulled me out of my slump a little and I was able to make it through the day without my tears brimming over. It meant a lot to me that people who aren't even really my close friends had noticed that my inner light was diminished and did their best to cheer me up. I really am surrounded by a great group of people.. It made my heart swell to see them reach out to me. I am going to try hard to find one thing that I am really thankful for in each day, in hopes of lifting my spirits to where they need to be. I hope that everyone out there might be able to do the same.. I encourage you to- it just might help? Guess we'll see! Release some of our inner venom.. But question? If I get rid of my venom.. where will it go? Store in a small box waiting for my really dark days?
Guess there is only way to find out... Good luck everyone. xoxo

This Is Where It Gets Real

I apologize viewers if you we're actively following my blog, that I have been slacking hard core! My apologies! Blogspot was banned from school, and I have been busy.. But I am back! :) however I need to warn you that this is when shiz get real.. I can be as happy, and motivational as I'd like.. But it's mostly a big ole' lie. So if you can't handle the unhappiness and messed up aspects of life- I'd ask you to tune out now.
My name is Ellora Pollyanna Wardrop, I'm 16, and I live in a dreadfully small town. I have so many incredible blessings in my life- but I have also had countless trials. As dramatic and petty as it sounds I feel constantly depressed. I hate being around people, I dread going to bed because I know I'll wake up to a new day. I feel sickly all the time. Never good enough.. "Always room for improvement," yadda yadda. It is torture to feel like you cant tell anyone the way you truly feel because they just don't get it. They think your fishing for compliments or justification- in all reality all you want is the smallest glimpse of hope for better days, for future happiness. Conversation becomes a blur, you agree with things only to pass to the next meaningless encounter. Your heart aches- but for what? You never know. You never know what you want or what would make you happy.. But you are constantly doing drastic, dumb things to try and feel something, or getting someone to notice that you are really hurting inside. Tears are no longer a rarity.. They constantly flood and run over your eyes. You feel like your choking down bile all the time- because if you didn't something awfully honest would come forth- and that would scare people off. But what is most infuriating is that you don't know how to get rid of the venom in your body. Can't bleed it out, throw it up, sleep it away.. I have been searching- but I have been unsuccessful in finding a cure for it. I am so... Incredibly tired of feeling so terrible. I don't know what to do. It kills me a little bit everyday- but it also kills everyone around me. I am losing relationships with friends and family more and more everyday. But I don't know how to get out! It's like I am drowning! I claw for the surface- but water bombardes my lungs, my body- and there is no escape. I wrote this poem that seem to describe it in a way.. ---- when hope in dwindling at the fringes.. You feel lost and so dreadfully alone. Mental sickness beats your body. Your eyelids are like lead.. Drooping beyond your bottom lashes. Your heart beats.. But without a purpose. Life feels like you're hunting the escape of a maze in the dark without the aid of the light from the moon or stars. Weight presses hard against your chest. Breathing is difficult. Each breath- thought out. Tears are shed so often that every single one of your pillows are mascara stained. Heartache burns within you.
But how do you win?
Where do you go?
On starless nights..?
Any who.. I know God is where I need to turn to.. But I feel like He doesn't want me either. I am just so lost. I know I am a tiny speck on the scale of problems that everyone has.. And I am sorry to complain so much.. But I have to get this venom out of me some how. So this is my escape.. If only excruciatingly fleeting and temporary.. It's something.