Oh joy!

When I say that ^^ I mean it! Life has been really super great lately.. I feel good. I feel happy. I feel light! Of course there are those little things that wheedle their way into your mind and drive you crazy- but as for right now, I am content! School has been better, I feel good about myself, family is wonderful! Now I am just sitting back anticipating summers arrival. I sure miss the warm weather! I want to have a sun kissed body and hair, wear shorts and flip flops and enjoy days outside! That is going to he fabulous... I attended my junior prom recently- it was 100% amazing! I went to prom as a sophomore as well, but this experience takes the cake! It was such a memorable and easy going day! We went to the zoo, had a picnic, ate amazing food, and dances our little hearts out! My date was an absolute gentleman, and I just had such a great time :) I've spent a lot of time with my family and just been full of light and happiness.. It has been so nice not to feel so incredibly heavy all the time.. Anyway! I am rambling.. But I just wanted to let everyone know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Just keep searching and you'll find it! :) keep your head up when the going gets tough! Xoxo.
-Ellora

Why!

You know what really bugs me?! When you trust the wrong people. When you are talking to someone for a long time, and you have this fake sense of security.. Like they are fully invested in you, and only you, but oh funny! Little do you know. The thing is, this person, these circumstances shouldn't surprise me, and above all they shouldn't have any power over me. They shouldn't upset me- because I know they are coming. Almost every circumstances that involves a boy in my life-- is always too good to be true. The thing is, I'll admit- I have a jealousy problem. I'm not sure where it stems from. I don't know if it is my incredible fear of abandonment that makes me a very jealous person, or if it is the simple fact that I am a woman, and I over think everything- but nonetheless I am. It is completely pointless to be jealous.. Because what good will it do? Honestly none. The only thing it does for me is make my mind go crazy, makes me overreact, and do things that I regret. Saying things I don't mean, and ultimately digging myself a hole.
Gosh. I just don't know what to think. I feel a bit better now, after releasing some of my bitterness. I just hate that I am so naive when it comes to boys. I know I give my heart to all the wrong people, but I can't seem to help it. This book I am reading talks about the incredible appeal of men that have a "bad boy/dark complex" and it is the truth. I am ways attracted to the troubled souls first. I seem to find the sense of adventure and uncertainty of them to allure me.. Which also pisses me off, because I always get my heart broke. But what do you do? Grin and bear it.
My goal is simply to wait it out.. College will be better, and I'm not gonna confine myself by being low and depressed around everyone, I will get out there, and experience life and if the right guy waltz in and sweeps off my feet- be my guest, you know? But as for right now, I'm just gonna be me. Reppin' the no makeup and 99 cent tee's! :) ha, that'll have to do.
-Ellora xx

Negative Thinking

I feel like.. People get the wrong vibe from me. I repel people. I just had a class "party" and I realized that I have zero friends. I stood in the room of 65 students, completely by myself. I'm not writing this for a pity party or someone to say "oh Elle, silly, I'm your friend." I just hate feeling like I never do anything right. I'm never enough for anyone. The thing is.. I get wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot, I don't pay people the attention they may deserve or want. I feel like I always have so much going on that my mind can't wrap around being social on top of it all. I'm just sick of being unhappy. Tired of feeling so low. I try too hard for no results, and it pisses me off. I'm just don't trying, and I am done caring.
My apologizes- lots of emotions today.
Ellora xx

Mm. Nah.

I love how in all the tv series that I love- they are filmed in a tiny town, and all the characters within the show just can't get enough of it....
Well- in my fantasy, there is no small town. There is no gossip that everyone is aware of.. There is new things at every turn, and new faces to meet- there is laughter and love and less contention. There is large, open, spaces- complimented by buildings that only run on green energy! Ha! (I'm a ultra tree hugger...)
I just want something more. Is that too much to ask?

Well..

Well... Christmas was splendid.. I really enjoyed it. Other than I no longer get the Christmas spirit or feeling at all and my parents had a wonderful fight that I witnessed.. It was good to be around those that I love.
I keep trying so hard to be thankful for the things I have in my life.. But gosh, I just keep returning to such bitterness. I keep feeling like there has to be more to life then what it is right now. There has to be more beauty, or more raw joy- somewhere out there. I just don't know where to look. I hate that I hate life so much sometimes:. I try not to.. But I have a very difficult time getting over my own selfish thoughts I guess..
I guess I just hate that I feel so worthless and not wanted or appealing or good enough ever, and that drains the absolute life out of me.
I just don't know what to do. I need some good new goals.. Goals that will help me love myself for who I am.
But gosh.. That's so hard for me. I realize that's hard for everyone no matter who you are- and I get that is the truth of the matter. I know I'm not alone feeling this way.. But gosh I just need, I CRAVE something-- Anything more than this. Maybe something that will make me feel somewhat whole.. In a sense.
But ugh. I guess I'll wait and see.
Xxx.

Roller Coaster!

Gosh!! Talk about living the life of a teenager. It's up- down, back and forth, sometimes the pressures so great all I can do is close my eyes and wait for it to pass! And other times its constant motion makes me sick! However, I'm the only one who can choose to scream and fear every second of it- or enjoy the ride.
I feel as if there is a hole within me- emotionally. I don't know what created it, or if every girl has this same feeling. But I just don't feel quite- whole I guess. What makes its more complicated is that I constantly try to fill this gap within me with boys. Which is no easy task! There is so much drama and confusion when it comes to men! And they say WE are the ones that are confusing- gosh! I don't know if that's accurate. I always love the wrong people- and put up with those who treat me the wrong way. I'm not sure why I do- but I just always seem to find myself mixed up with the wrong boy- the cherry on top of that emotional disaster sundae, is that every time I like a guy who likes me! For me! It never works out- it always ends up blowing up in my face. My heart gets so involved that is just destroys me, and so I turn back to the boys that originally liked me only for my body, or whatever shallow reason.. It makes me sick that the majority of the time I am doing this to myself.. My relationships don't work because of my own immaturity and ignorance, but no matter how hard I try I feel as if I never escape them. I want a successful relationship so badly it hurts. I know it won't solve my problems, and most likely it will make me more stressed than I already am- but I'm so willing to give it a chance that it makes me nauseous with anticipation. I just hope that if it works out for me, it will be with the right guy. Someone who respects me for who I am.. My fingers may forever be crossed. xxx.

Done

Gosh. I'm so fed up with everyone's shit. I'm sick of feeling like I have to be someone I'm not to get the love I need. I hate that our generation is so lazy and careless. It drives me crazy that no one is near as considerate as they used to be. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I am just done with everyone and everything right now. Gosh. Forget it.