Those Days.

I am young. I am a teen. I don't know what I want or where in the hells bells I'm going. But I don't like feeling this way. I don't even know how to put it in words exactly. I am just hating everything and everyone in my life right now. Can't stand my family, can't tolerate my friends, I hate school. I just don't get it. I'm sick of feeling so horrible all the time- but the truly sad thing is that I do it to myself. I don't know if I think I deserve to feel this way, or if it just always follows a bad attitude but I hate it more than anything and I don't know how to fix it, or fill it, or make it any better. It physically makes me feel sick and bitter. It's an awful feeling. And I hate that I torment myself and my family with it when there is so much destruction and horrible things going on outside my tiny little world. I am extremely blessed-- spoiled even. Yet I find hundreds of things that I hate about others, hate about my circumstance, and hate about myself. It honestly quite jacked up. I keep trying to think about those people in 3rd world countries that are honestly just trying to survive everyday- they don't have time to worry or be depressed about their circumstances because they are too involved trying to stay alive. I see that as a blessing. I know that is ignorant of me to say- because I've never lived the way they do. But I wish I had the opportunity to do so- so maybe I could appreciate my blessings and the luxuries of my life in a greater capacity. I just don't know what to do or think. I just want to shut out the world and everyone in it. I just want to be done. 100% done.

Why? Just- I mean, why?

I honestly don't understand people.. I know that I am not alone in that either- but sometimes I wish I could read everyone's mind. I know truthfully that would most likely make me very unhappy- butttt.. I just want to know what people are thinking, you know? I have felt really upset lately.. Not quite sad or depressed, but just upset. I feel like I am missing out on a big part of my high school experience because I've never really had a relationship.. Which is honestly my own fault! Haha-- darn it! I realize this is also false.. High school is not about finding your spouse, but your bridesmaids instead! However.. I want it. I want a relationship so badly. I don't know why it's so important to me, and maybe it shouldn't be! But it is.. I just see little hints of love all around me, and it honestly makes me ache. The thing I LOVE about love is that it comes in so many different forms.. I was just watching this show on tv, and it was extremely depressing, but there was a little romance in it, and the boy and girl were super awkward teens that both had very difficult lives- but they had each other- and their love was so simple, young, and genuine! It just made my heart ache.. I'm honestly terrified to love anyone. Of course I love my family- that's not even a question.. In fact I love my family so dearly I think that's what started my fear for loving anyone else- because it terrifies me to think that I'll never find anyone that I will love as much as I love my family.. But I just want to experience it so desperately it's sad. I am also really scared of being taken advantage of- I don't want a relationship to be physically driven.. The thing that a lot of boys don't understand is that the emotional details of a relationship is what makes the physical parts so great for both members of the relationship.. I'm afraid to have a high school relationship because I fear that all my boyfriend would ever want from me would be physical things, and that messes with my head.. The thing that is most frustrating to me is this: in our day and age- everyone is a slut. Ha, I apologize if you are reading this, and you are not a slut, ha, but really- I miss the days when guys were gentleman to all women, not just the ones they liked- I miss the times when girls didn't have to be in anything less than a t shirt and jeans to get attention.. I hate that lots of relationships today move too quickly and are too involved too fast.. For me- I have to get to know the person I'm with before anything else becomes real. Thinking of only loving someone for their physical appearance makes me sick.. The sweetness and true, deep, love comes from knowing the other person so well that you feel like you are one.. But not only do you know them- but accept them as a whole, and love their flaws, love their problems- although it may take a lot of time. The truth of the matter is this- everyone is crazy- you just have to find the crazy you are willing to love and fight for.. I hope that happens to me! I do! I want to experience a first love.. One that is sweet, and genuine, and true! But it can't be forced.. And I realize that.. So I guess I'll just keep my heart locked up safe and continue waiting.. I just hope... I don't turn out to be a spinster. Haha, anyway.. Thank you blog! For listening like no one else.. Xoxo

Oh joy!

When I say that ^^ I mean it! Life has been really super great lately.. I feel good. I feel happy. I feel light! Of course there are those little things that wheedle their way into your mind and drive you crazy- but as for right now, I am content! School has been better, I feel good about myself, family is wonderful! Now I am just sitting back anticipating summers arrival. I sure miss the warm weather! I want to have a sun kissed body and hair, wear shorts and flip flops and enjoy days outside! That is going to he fabulous... I attended my junior prom recently- it was 100% amazing! I went to prom as a sophomore as well, but this experience takes the cake! It was such a memorable and easy going day! We went to the zoo, had a picnic, ate amazing food, and dances our little hearts out! My date was an absolute gentleman, and I just had such a great time :) I've spent a lot of time with my family and just been full of light and happiness.. It has been so nice not to feel so incredibly heavy all the time.. Anyway! I am rambling.. But I just wanted to let everyone know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Just keep searching and you'll find it! :) keep your head up when the going gets tough! Xoxo.
-Ellora

Why!

You know what really bugs me?! When you trust the wrong people. When you are talking to someone for a long time, and you have this fake sense of security.. Like they are fully invested in you, and only you, but oh funny! Little do you know. The thing is, this person, these circumstances shouldn't surprise me, and above all they shouldn't have any power over me. They shouldn't upset me- because I know they are coming. Almost every circumstances that involves a boy in my life-- is always too good to be true. The thing is, I'll admit- I have a jealousy problem. I'm not sure where it stems from. I don't know if it is my incredible fear of abandonment that makes me a very jealous person, or if it is the simple fact that I am a woman, and I over think everything- but nonetheless I am. It is completely pointless to be jealous.. Because what good will it do? Honestly none. The only thing it does for me is make my mind go crazy, makes me overreact, and do things that I regret. Saying things I don't mean, and ultimately digging myself a hole.
Gosh. I just don't know what to think. I feel a bit better now, after releasing some of my bitterness. I just hate that I am so naive when it comes to boys. I know I give my heart to all the wrong people, but I can't seem to help it. This book I am reading talks about the incredible appeal of men that have a "bad boy/dark complex" and it is the truth. I am ways attracted to the troubled souls first. I seem to find the sense of adventure and uncertainty of them to allure me.. Which also pisses me off, because I always get my heart broke. But what do you do? Grin and bear it.
My goal is simply to wait it out.. College will be better, and I'm not gonna confine myself by being low and depressed around everyone, I will get out there, and experience life and if the right guy waltz in and sweeps off my feet- be my guest, you know? But as for right now, I'm just gonna be me. Reppin' the no makeup and 99 cent tee's! :) ha, that'll have to do.
-Ellora xx

Negative Thinking

I feel like.. People get the wrong vibe from me. I repel people. I just had a class "party" and I realized that I have zero friends. I stood in the room of 65 students, completely by myself. I'm not writing this for a pity party or someone to say "oh Elle, silly, I'm your friend." I just hate feeling like I never do anything right. I'm never enough for anyone. The thing is.. I get wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot, I don't pay people the attention they may deserve or want. I feel like I always have so much going on that my mind can't wrap around being social on top of it all. I'm just sick of being unhappy. Tired of feeling so low. I try too hard for no results, and it pisses me off. I'm just don't trying, and I am done caring.
My apologizes- lots of emotions today.
Ellora xx

Mm. Nah.

I love how in all the tv series that I love- they are filmed in a tiny town, and all the characters within the show just can't get enough of it....
Well- in my fantasy, there is no small town. There is no gossip that everyone is aware of.. There is new things at every turn, and new faces to meet- there is laughter and love and less contention. There is large, open, spaces- complimented by buildings that only run on green energy! Ha! (I'm a ultra tree hugger...)
I just want something more. Is that too much to ask?

Well..

Well... Christmas was splendid.. I really enjoyed it. Other than I no longer get the Christmas spirit or feeling at all and my parents had a wonderful fight that I witnessed.. It was good to be around those that I love.
I keep trying so hard to be thankful for the things I have in my life.. But gosh, I just keep returning to such bitterness. I keep feeling like there has to be more to life then what it is right now. There has to be more beauty, or more raw joy- somewhere out there. I just don't know where to look. I hate that I hate life so much sometimes:. I try not to.. But I have a very difficult time getting over my own selfish thoughts I guess..
I guess I just hate that I feel so worthless and not wanted or appealing or good enough ever, and that drains the absolute life out of me.
I just don't know what to do. I need some good new goals.. Goals that will help me love myself for who I am.
But gosh.. That's so hard for me. I realize that's hard for everyone no matter who you are- and I get that is the truth of the matter. I know I'm not alone feeling this way.. But gosh I just need, I CRAVE something-- Anything more than this. Maybe something that will make me feel somewhat whole.. In a sense.
But ugh. I guess I'll wait and see.
Xxx.