Too many thoughts..

Well.. Lately? Life has been good. I have had a lot of luck and a lot of success! Sadly, all those times come to an abrupt end- but hey? Might as well enjoy it why you can.. Right? I had a bit of heartache the other day when emotions were flipped and jumbled.. But thankfully through amazing friends and a supportive family I have made a surprisingly speedy recovery! If you can call it that- but I feel ok. However, I don't want to dwell on the disappointment I have in others.. I would rather discuss or write about the great qualities I see in people.. I love to observe people. Don't you think for a second that-that is weird, because you know you do it! Don't lie to yourself! If you are judging someone you don't know, or commenting on someone's appearance etc- you are observing.. And truthfully.. Life without observation would be so pointless. Think of how much you learn from watching someone else? Any who- that is besides the point! I love to observes people and see the sweet things they do for others. I love to see a relationship develop and bloom and become so sweet.. It makes my heart ache.. That is true.. But it is the most pure thing to me. Love. It might be difficult getting there, and it may not be love at first.. But rather lust, or some other desire.. But to watch it unfold is so emotional for me. I also love to see happy people. The people who radiate joy and love and acceptance in their countenance.. That is the greatest quality that I wish I possessed.. I love this quote: 

I am a strong believer in that^! Happiness is not happiness if you aren't sharing it with someone else.. What is the point in being happy yourself if no one around you is happy? I don't think people realize how great of an example they can be. In my own life I have seen it- if I am negative nelly and horrible to be around-- my company reflects the same feelings. You can either choose to be the lifesaver that keeps everyone and yourself afloat.. Or you can be the anchor that pulls everyone down. It is up to you. I understand that many experience alter your ability to see life as a positive thing.. But I truly believe that no matter your circumstances you can chose light. You can chose happiness and joy.. And have a soul that only radiates pure, lovely, yellow, light that brings others up and ultimately makes you happy! If anybody is reading this.. I am challenging you to choose light instead I darkness today! Don't let those heavy thoughts of stress and unhappiness weigh you down! Do yourself a favor and free yourself of that burden! It might not be easy at first, but to be great at anything you have to try! 

-xx

Ellora 

Those Days.

I am young. I am a teen. I don't know what I want or where in the hells bells I'm going. But I don't like feeling this way. I don't even know how to put it in words exactly. I am just hating everything and everyone in my life right now. Can't stand my family, can't tolerate my friends, I hate school. I just don't get it. I'm sick of feeling so horrible all the time- but the truly sad thing is that I do it to myself. I don't know if I think I deserve to feel this way, or if it just always follows a bad attitude but I hate it more than anything and I don't know how to fix it, or fill it, or make it any better. It physically makes me feel sick and bitter. It's an awful feeling. And I hate that I torment myself and my family with it when there is so much destruction and horrible things going on outside my tiny little world. I am extremely blessed-- spoiled even. Yet I find hundreds of things that I hate about others, hate about my circumstance, and hate about myself. It honestly quite jacked up. I keep trying to think about those people in 3rd world countries that are honestly just trying to survive everyday- they don't have time to worry or be depressed about their circumstances because they are too involved trying to stay alive. I see that as a blessing. I know that is ignorant of me to say- because I've never lived the way they do. But I wish I had the opportunity to do so- so maybe I could appreciate my blessings and the luxuries of my life in a greater capacity. I just don't know what to do or think. I just want to shut out the world and everyone in it. I just want to be done. 100% done.

Why? Just- I mean, why?

I honestly don't understand people.. I know that I am not alone in that either- but sometimes I wish I could read everyone's mind. I know truthfully that would most likely make me very unhappy- butttt.. I just want to know what people are thinking, you know? I have felt really upset lately.. Not quite sad or depressed, but just upset. I feel like I am missing out on a big part of my high school experience because I've never really had a relationship.. Which is honestly my own fault! Haha-- darn it! I realize this is also false.. High school is not about finding your spouse, but your bridesmaids instead! However.. I want it. I want a relationship so badly. I don't know why it's so important to me, and maybe it shouldn't be! But it is.. I just see little hints of love all around me, and it honestly makes me ache. The thing I LOVE about love is that it comes in so many different forms.. I was just watching this show on tv, and it was extremely depressing, but there was a little romance in it, and the boy and girl were super awkward teens that both had very difficult lives- but they had each other- and their love was so simple, young, and genuine! It just made my heart ache.. I'm honestly terrified to love anyone. Of course I love my family- that's not even a question.. In fact I love my family so dearly I think that's what started my fear for loving anyone else- because it terrifies me to think that I'll never find anyone that I will love as much as I love my family.. But I just want to experience it so desperately it's sad. I am also really scared of being taken advantage of- I don't want a relationship to be physically driven.. The thing that a lot of boys don't understand is that the emotional details of a relationship is what makes the physical parts so great for both members of the relationship.. I'm afraid to have a high school relationship because I fear that all my boyfriend would ever want from me would be physical things, and that messes with my head.. The thing that is most frustrating to me is this: in our day and age- everyone is a slut. Ha, I apologize if you are reading this, and you are not a slut, ha, but really- I miss the days when guys were gentleman to all women, not just the ones they liked- I miss the times when girls didn't have to be in anything less than a t shirt and jeans to get attention.. I hate that lots of relationships today move too quickly and are too involved too fast.. For me- I have to get to know the person I'm with before anything else becomes real. Thinking of only loving someone for their physical appearance makes me sick.. The sweetness and true, deep, love comes from knowing the other person so well that you feel like you are one.. But not only do you know them- but accept them as a whole, and love their flaws, love their problems- although it may take a lot of time. The truth of the matter is this- everyone is crazy- you just have to find the crazy you are willing to love and fight for.. I hope that happens to me! I do! I want to experience a first love.. One that is sweet, and genuine, and true! But it can't be forced.. And I realize that.. So I guess I'll just keep my heart locked up safe and continue waiting.. I just hope... I don't turn out to be a spinster. Haha, anyway.. Thank you blog! For listening like no one else.. Xoxo

Oh joy!

When I say that ^^ I mean it! Life has been really super great lately.. I feel good. I feel happy. I feel light! Of course there are those little things that wheedle their way into your mind and drive you crazy- but as for right now, I am content! School has been better, I feel good about myself, family is wonderful! Now I am just sitting back anticipating summers arrival. I sure miss the warm weather! I want to have a sun kissed body and hair, wear shorts and flip flops and enjoy days outside! That is going to he fabulous... I attended my junior prom recently- it was 100% amazing! I went to prom as a sophomore as well, but this experience takes the cake! It was such a memorable and easy going day! We went to the zoo, had a picnic, ate amazing food, and dances our little hearts out! My date was an absolute gentleman, and I just had such a great time :) I've spent a lot of time with my family and just been full of light and happiness.. It has been so nice not to feel so incredibly heavy all the time.. Anyway! I am rambling.. But I just wanted to let everyone know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Just keep searching and you'll find it! :) keep your head up when the going gets tough! Xoxo.
-Ellora

Why!

You know what really bugs me?! When you trust the wrong people. When you are talking to someone for a long time, and you have this fake sense of security.. Like they are fully invested in you, and only you, but oh funny! Little do you know. The thing is, this person, these circumstances shouldn't surprise me, and above all they shouldn't have any power over me. They shouldn't upset me- because I know they are coming. Almost every circumstances that involves a boy in my life-- is always too good to be true. The thing is, I'll admit- I have a jealousy problem. I'm not sure where it stems from. I don't know if it is my incredible fear of abandonment that makes me a very jealous person, or if it is the simple fact that I am a woman, and I over think everything- but nonetheless I am. It is completely pointless to be jealous.. Because what good will it do? Honestly none. The only thing it does for me is make my mind go crazy, makes me overreact, and do things that I regret. Saying things I don't mean, and ultimately digging myself a hole.
Gosh. I just don't know what to think. I feel a bit better now, after releasing some of my bitterness. I just hate that I am so naive when it comes to boys. I know I give my heart to all the wrong people, but I can't seem to help it. This book I am reading talks about the incredible appeal of men that have a "bad boy/dark complex" and it is the truth. I am ways attracted to the troubled souls first. I seem to find the sense of adventure and uncertainty of them to allure me.. Which also pisses me off, because I always get my heart broke. But what do you do? Grin and bear it.
My goal is simply to wait it out.. College will be better, and I'm not gonna confine myself by being low and depressed around everyone, I will get out there, and experience life and if the right guy waltz in and sweeps off my feet- be my guest, you know? But as for right now, I'm just gonna be me. Reppin' the no makeup and 99 cent tee's! :) ha, that'll have to do.
-Ellora xx

Negative Thinking

I feel like.. People get the wrong vibe from me. I repel people. I just had a class "party" and I realized that I have zero friends. I stood in the room of 65 students, completely by myself. I'm not writing this for a pity party or someone to say "oh Elle, silly, I'm your friend." I just hate feeling like I never do anything right. I'm never enough for anyone. The thing is.. I get wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot, I don't pay people the attention they may deserve or want. I feel like I always have so much going on that my mind can't wrap around being social on top of it all. I'm just sick of being unhappy. Tired of feeling so low. I try too hard for no results, and it pisses me off. I'm just don't trying, and I am done caring.
My apologizes- lots of emotions today.
Ellora xx

Mm. Nah.

I love how in all the tv series that I love- they are filmed in a tiny town, and all the characters within the show just can't get enough of it....
Well- in my fantasy, there is no small town. There is no gossip that everyone is aware of.. There is new things at every turn, and new faces to meet- there is laughter and love and less contention. There is large, open, spaces- complimented by buildings that only run on green energy! Ha! (I'm a ultra tree hugger...)
I just want something more. Is that too much to ask?

Well..

Well... Christmas was splendid.. I really enjoyed it. Other than I no longer get the Christmas spirit or feeling at all and my parents had a wonderful fight that I witnessed.. It was good to be around those that I love.
I keep trying so hard to be thankful for the things I have in my life.. But gosh, I just keep returning to such bitterness. I keep feeling like there has to be more to life then what it is right now. There has to be more beauty, or more raw joy- somewhere out there. I just don't know where to look. I hate that I hate life so much sometimes:. I try not to.. But I have a very difficult time getting over my own selfish thoughts I guess..
I guess I just hate that I feel so worthless and not wanted or appealing or good enough ever, and that drains the absolute life out of me.
I just don't know what to do. I need some good new goals.. Goals that will help me love myself for who I am.
But gosh.. That's so hard for me. I realize that's hard for everyone no matter who you are- and I get that is the truth of the matter. I know I'm not alone feeling this way.. But gosh I just need, I CRAVE something-- Anything more than this. Maybe something that will make me feel somewhat whole.. In a sense.
But ugh. I guess I'll wait and see.
Xxx.

Roller Coaster!

Gosh!! Talk about living the life of a teenager. It's up- down, back and forth, sometimes the pressures so great all I can do is close my eyes and wait for it to pass! And other times its constant motion makes me sick! However, I'm the only one who can choose to scream and fear every second of it- or enjoy the ride.
I feel as if there is a hole within me- emotionally. I don't know what created it, or if every girl has this same feeling. But I just don't feel quite- whole I guess. What makes its more complicated is that I constantly try to fill this gap within me with boys. Which is no easy task! There is so much drama and confusion when it comes to men! And they say WE are the ones that are confusing- gosh! I don't know if that's accurate. I always love the wrong people- and put up with those who treat me the wrong way. I'm not sure why I do- but I just always seem to find myself mixed up with the wrong boy- the cherry on top of that emotional disaster sundae, is that every time I like a guy who likes me! For me! It never works out- it always ends up blowing up in my face. My heart gets so involved that is just destroys me, and so I turn back to the boys that originally liked me only for my body, or whatever shallow reason.. It makes me sick that the majority of the time I am doing this to myself.. My relationships don't work because of my own immaturity and ignorance, but no matter how hard I try I feel as if I never escape them. I want a successful relationship so badly it hurts. I know it won't solve my problems, and most likely it will make me more stressed than I already am- but I'm so willing to give it a chance that it makes me nauseous with anticipation. I just hope that if it works out for me, it will be with the right guy. Someone who respects me for who I am.. My fingers may forever be crossed. xxx.

Done

Gosh. I'm so fed up with everyone's shit. I'm sick of feeling like I have to be someone I'm not to get the love I need. I hate that our generation is so lazy and careless. It drives me crazy that no one is near as considerate as they used to be. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I am just done with everyone and everything right now. Gosh. Forget it.

Familia

I have been slacking a bit! Sorry- today I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for the religion I belong to, and the hymns we sang today that lifted my spirits! I'm thankful for small kindnesses that make your whole day! Ill thankful for smiles and laughter :) but I am mostly thankful for family! They mean so much to me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.. And I can't thank them enough. They are always here for me when I need them, support me in all that I do.. And love me through my greatest trials. They joy that we share between us compares to no else! And I a very grateful for that :) xx

Great Purpose

Hmm.. I feel like. All we do in life is seek after love. Which sounds incredibly dramatic-- but it's true! It's not just the people who are incredibly good looking either, nor are they the only ones who have luck with love. But everyone is constantly searching for it.. And when a relationship ends, another is already in play, building up again to love. I feel like its our great purpose as human beings to give love and receive love. Which is great! I am so thankful for the people in my life that love me, and who allow me to love them. They are great examples to me.. They show how true love should be expressed.. You always know when someone really loves you.. It just is a feeling that you get when you are around them. I am grateful for love! And hope that everyone finds it.. Wherever they are. Xxx.

Honesty

Honestly is always the best policy, even when it's not a trend! I am grateful for those who are honest with me. I may not always appreciate what the truth is, or agree with it! But I appreciate honesty in itself.. It's a wonderful value to always uphold. And I am grateful for it.

Friends

Thankful for those who always stick by my side.. Through thick and thin! They love me for who I am! And they accept me when I look like a hobo, and act like a witch. I could not ask for more. I am extremely blessed to have them in my life. Thank you compadres that are always there for me.. I love and appreciate you more than you know! Thanks for always listening to my useless rants, and countless swear words.. For putting up with my "way to tired that I am hyper" moods.. And making me laugh no matter the circumstances. I love you dearly. xx

Youthful Spirits

One thing I am thankful for that I will began with.. is kids.. They bring such a light. There is this little girl I nanny a few times a week.. She is 9, and very cute, smart, and funny! I love being around her- if only for a few hours because she is just so kind! She really does have such a kindred spirit, and I admire it just about as much as I appreciate it.. I love how easy going she is, and how she always reassures me! Plus she loooves to talk! So we get along wonderfully :) I am just thankful for the various personalities and spirits in the world out there.. They bring much needed variety to our lives! I really am grateful for that! <3

Oh..... Deer!

Well.. Today kind of sucked. I mean- I'll be honest with you, because I strive to always be honest. Monday, December 3rd, I hit a buck. A HUGE ASS BUCK. I was driving home with my friend, and didn't see it at all! Literally, I never believed when people would say "it came out of no where!" I always thought.. Yeeeeahhhh- right, and the sky is orange! But in all honesty- this stupid creature came out of no where! One minute, Robin and I are talking, the next- BAM! SLAM! THANK YOU MA'AM! Crushed hood, destroyed grill- DONZO. What makes matters worse.. Is that I have already crashed my sisters car, and got a $90 speeding ticket.. Racking ^^^ my parents insurance up the wazoo! So telling my dad about it broke my heart.. Then, my step-brother whom I share the car with accused me of texting and driving- which in all reality I normally do! But since I had a passenger who wasn't a family member I had my phone tucked away! However, Robin told Josh that I had been texting. Which really made me feel terrible and embarrassed.. I know she didn't mean any harm by telling him.. But I really hadn't been texting- so it just made me furious and defensive. Which made me incredibly emotional-- especially with my current state of instability! Ugh, anyway.. I was already on the verge of tears when I was walking down the hall.. and I said hi to Todd, like I usually do, and he replies "hey, beautiful," and I don't know why! But by heck- I had to literally bite my tongue to hold back tears. It was just something tiny that lifted my spirits in to a more heightened emotional state! Gosh! I am a wreck.. any who, I went to drama.. multiple people asked if I was ok, but I just kinda shook my head without a reply.. Thankfully singing pulled me out of my slump a little and I was able to make it through the day without my tears brimming over. It meant a lot to me that people who aren't even really my close friends had noticed that my inner light was diminished and did their best to cheer me up. I really am surrounded by a great group of people.. It made my heart swell to see them reach out to me. I am going to try hard to find one thing that I am really thankful for in each day, in hopes of lifting my spirits to where they need to be. I hope that everyone out there might be able to do the same.. I encourage you to- it just might help? Guess we'll see! Release some of our inner venom.. But question? If I get rid of my venom.. where will it go? Store in a small box waiting for my really dark days?
Guess there is only way to find out... Good luck everyone. xoxo

This Is Where It Gets Real

I apologize viewers if you we're actively following my blog, that I have been slacking hard core! My apologies! Blogspot was banned from school, and I have been busy.. But I am back! :) however I need to warn you that this is when shiz get real.. I can be as happy, and motivational as I'd like.. But it's mostly a big ole' lie. So if you can't handle the unhappiness and messed up aspects of life- I'd ask you to tune out now.
My name is Ellora Pollyanna Wardrop, I'm 16, and I live in a dreadfully small town. I have so many incredible blessings in my life- but I have also had countless trials. As dramatic and petty as it sounds I feel constantly depressed. I hate being around people, I dread going to bed because I know I'll wake up to a new day. I feel sickly all the time. Never good enough.. "Always room for improvement," yadda yadda. It is torture to feel like you cant tell anyone the way you truly feel because they just don't get it. They think your fishing for compliments or justification- in all reality all you want is the smallest glimpse of hope for better days, for future happiness. Conversation becomes a blur, you agree with things only to pass to the next meaningless encounter. Your heart aches- but for what? You never know. You never know what you want or what would make you happy.. But you are constantly doing drastic, dumb things to try and feel something, or getting someone to notice that you are really hurting inside. Tears are no longer a rarity.. They constantly flood and run over your eyes. You feel like your choking down bile all the time- because if you didn't something awfully honest would come forth- and that would scare people off. But what is most infuriating is that you don't know how to get rid of the venom in your body. Can't bleed it out, throw it up, sleep it away.. I have been searching- but I have been unsuccessful in finding a cure for it. I am so... Incredibly tired of feeling so terrible. I don't know what to do. It kills me a little bit everyday- but it also kills everyone around me. I am losing relationships with friends and family more and more everyday. But I don't know how to get out! It's like I am drowning! I claw for the surface- but water bombardes my lungs, my body- and there is no escape. I wrote this poem that seem to describe it in a way.. ---- when hope in dwindling at the fringes.. You feel lost and so dreadfully alone. Mental sickness beats your body. Your eyelids are like lead.. Drooping beyond your bottom lashes. Your heart beats.. But without a purpose. Life feels like you're hunting the escape of a maze in the dark without the aid of the light from the moon or stars. Weight presses hard against your chest. Breathing is difficult. Each breath- thought out. Tears are shed so often that every single one of your pillows are mascara stained. Heartache burns within you.
But how do you win?
Where do you go?
On starless nights..?
Any who.. I know God is where I need to turn to.. But I feel like He doesn't want me either. I am just so lost. I know I am a tiny speck on the scale of problems that everyone has.. And I am sorry to complain so much.. But I have to get this venom out of me some how. So this is my escape.. If only excruciatingly fleeting and temporary.. It's something.

Your Journey

Enjoy where you are.

Love who you are.

Find joy in what is around you.

Don't compare your journey to anyone else's.

Let the good times roll,

and disregard the bad. 

Most of all- cherish your journey because it is your own.

It is not about the destination.. But the up, downs, switchbacks, roundabouts, and detours of the journey. Someone who is truly happy- will enjoy the scenery of a detour, rather than curse the delay.  

Right Now

I always believe if I was somewhere else I would be happier.. That if something extravagant happened in my life it would solve all my problems. Well, WRONGO. 
Living in the NOW is hard. Personally, I don't like to focus my attention on school, so I use my energy elsewhere. But it does nothing but make you miserable. 
If you have gratitude for all you have in your life right now, living here in the present is not near as hard.
Be thankful for your blessings you have right now! That way, when time goes on you will be grateful for everything in your future. As it comes along.. 
This Thanksgiving season make a list of the things you are thankful for. It may be a tiny list, or it may be forrrrrever long. No matter what, list everything you are thankful for.

Like the quote says- channel ALL your ENERGY into living RIGHT NOW! And.. love it. 

Fear, Love, & Loss

I think this is a great quote. We often forget as human beings that everyone has a past. Everyone has had their own struggles, and we shouldn't judge. Ever. But especially before we know a person and their story.

--It isn't fair that some people suffer or hurt more than others. That inside ourselves we rip our own confidence to pieces. It's not ok. But that is what life consist of. Things that are not ok, not enjoyable, in fact it consists of heart wrenching pain everyday! But, that is the test. The test that determines who is strong enough to overcome it. We may never thank God for our trials, but they certainly make us who we are. 

If you are reading this I hope that you look inside yourself and realize what makes you- YOU. It is not your fancy material items that we waste all our life working for, but something much greater than that. I hope you recognize the bigger picture of things. Don't let your struggles, or sadness define your character. There is a light in you, and it will always be there if you ALLOW it to be. Remember to love before you judge, and never forget that everyone has a past, and everyone has their own story.

-Treat Others How You Would Like To Be Treated